ShareWare OnLine 2/ShareWare OnLine Volume 2 (CMS Software)(1993).iso/bbs_soft/jod100.zip/JOKES.DAT

Text File | 1993-04-29 | 16KB | 401 lines

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
I hope it's mine!!!!
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?
The green "Welcome" mat is ripped all the shreds.
What did the blondes mom say before she left for a date?
If your not in bed by 10, come home!!!!
Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
To see what's on the other side.
What's similar about UFO's and a smart blonde?
You keep hearing about them, but never see one...
Why don't blondes like pickles?
They keep getting their head stuck in the jar..
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black?
Artificial intelligence.
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
100 - 1 to stir and 99 to peel the M&Ms.
How can you tell when a blonde has used your computer?
Whiteout all over the screen.
What's similar about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Smart
Blondes?   They are all make-believe!
Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.
What's the difference between a blonde and an airplane?
The Black Box ALWAYS tells the truth.
How does a blonde turn on the light in the morning?
Opens the car door.
How is a blonde unlike the Titanic?
You know how many men went down on the Titanic.
Why did 18 blondes go to the R-rated movie?
Because they heard that under 17 was not admitted.
What do four blondes have in common?
Nothing they can think of.
What does a blond say after making love?
"Thanks guys..."
What is the best protection against rape?
dye your hair blond - no one "rapes" a blond!
What do most blonds have against condoms?
Their cheeks!
What's the difference between a blonde and an airplane?
The Black Box ALWAYS tells the truth.
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She was eating all the W's.
Did you hear that the only job for blondes at the candy factory
proofreading the M&M's?
How do you make a blonde laugh on Sat. night?
Tell her a joke on thursday...
What's the difference between an intelligent blonde and a U.F.O.?
There have been U.F.O. sightings.
What do you call a brunette standing between 2 blondes?
An interpreter...
What do you call 21 blondes standing in a row ear to ear?
A wind tunnel...
Did you hear about the blond prostitute who didn't vote?  She
didn't care who got in.
Did you hear about the blonde who thought a sanitary belt was a
drink from a clean glass?
Did you hear about the blonde who only smelled good on the right
side?  She didn't know where to buy left guard.
Did you hear about the blonde who lost her mind?  She worked in a
whorehouse for 6 years and then found out the other girls got paid!
Did you hear about the pregnant blonde who went to the grocery
store because she heard they had free delivery.
Why Did The Blonde Have Bruises around Her Navel?
Her Boyfreind Was Blonde Too.
What do you call a group of blondes sitting in a circle?
A dope ring
What did the blonde say when she opened the box of cheerios?
Oh look, daddy...doughnut seeds
Why don't the let blondes take coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them!
How do you drown a Blonde??
Put a mirror in the bathtub...
How do you know when a blonde is having her period?
When she can't findher pencil and her tampon's behind her ear.
How come the blonde had a square chest?
She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
Did you hear about the blonde who lost 85% of her brains?
Her husband died.
Why can't blondes fart?
They don't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
What does a blonde say in the morning?
Who ARE you guys?
How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday.
How do you get a twinkle in a blondes' eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room.
What do you call a blonde with a loonie on her head?
All you can eat for under a buck.
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave.
How did the blonde break her arm raking leaves?
Fell out of the tree.
Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.
What is the definition of a REAL woman?
One who kick-starts her vibrator!
Why do attorneys wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from covering their faces.
What would Grace Kelly be doing if she were alive today?
Clawing at the top of her coffin.
What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About four drinks.
What's invisible and smells like dog food?
Old people's farts.
Why are cowgirls so bowlegged?
Because cowboys eat with their hats on.
What is the difference between an angry rooster and a lawyer?
In the morning a rooster gets up and clucks defiance.
Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.
Did you see Roman Polanski's new movie?
Close Encounters With The Third Grade.
Why did God create men?
Cucumbers don't take out the garbage.
How do you tell if a woman is macho?
She rolls her own tampons.
What do you get when you cross a computer and a gorilla?
A Hairy Reasoner!
Why did the minister get AIDS?
He didn't wash his organ between hims.
What is the difference between like and love?
Spit and swallow
How can you prove that Jerry Falwell is right?
He didn't evolve.
How does herpes get out of the hospital?
On crotches.
What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Tie them together, make it a tire, and call it a good year.
Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A toilet dosen't follow you around for two weeks after you use it!
What glows in the dark and goes cluck?
Chicken Kiev.
What's gray and comes in quarts?
Elephants
What has 18 legs and tits?
The Supreme Court.
What is the difference between sin and shame?
It is a sin to put it in, and a shame to pull it out.
What does a sorority girl do when she wakes up?
She goes home!
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a Lamborghini?
Not everyone has been in a Lamborghini!
Why do Cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns dont work!!
What do you call a dog with no legs???
Doesn't matter - he won't come when you call anyway.
Why can't you take a shit at a Beatles concert?
There's no John.
Did you hear about the guy who couldnt spell?.
He spent the night in a wharehouse.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
They fall through the holes in his hands.
What did Grace Kelly have that Natalie Wood could have used?
A good stroke!
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye damn near killed him!
What do you get if you cross a whore and a computer?
A damn know-it-all.
What is the definition of a sardine?
It's a little fish that smells like a finger!
Did  you  hear  about  the  sanitation worker who got fired because he
couldn't keep his mind in the gutter?
"But Mom, all the girls my age are wearing training bras."
"Shut up, Sidney. Just be grateful that I got you a garter belt."
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun,
But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
What do a Nun and '7-UP' have in common?
Never had it - Never will!
If Eve wore a figleaf in the Garden of Eden, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it!
What did one sperm say to the other??
"Leggo my Eggo!"
What's black and blue, and goes "dong-ding"?
A beat up Avon lady.
What is the definition of relative humidity?
The amount of sweat on your balls when you're fucking your sister.
Do you know why Santa Claus doesn't have any children?
Because, he only comes once a year and then it's down a chimney.
Did you hear about the blind hooker?
You really have to hand it to her.
What are two things in the air that can make a woman pregnant?
Her legs!
How can you tell if a girl is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her ankles swell.
What's the Ronald Reagan Bucket at Kentucky Fried Chicken?
All right wings and assholes.
Did  you  hear  about the new song that Michael Jackson and Boy George
are working on? It's called "I'll Beat It For You!"
Do you know what a dentist is?
That's a guy who puts his hand in your wallet and says, "Open wide"
Did  you  hear  about  the  guy  who  made a million dollars in Poland
selling Cheerios as doughnut seeds?
What is the speed limit of sex?
68, at 69 you have to turn around!
Why was the whore with two pussies kicked out of the whore-house?
The rest of the girls were tired of her holier-than-thou attitude.
What do you call a hooker's kids?
Brothel sprouts
What do you get when you cross a rooster with an M&M?
A cock that won't melt in your hand.
What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Three more bullets.
How come Poles don't go elephant hunting?
They get too tired carrying the decoys.
"I  don't  care  who your father is, you drop that cross one more time
  and you're out of the parade!"
What's red, and has seven dents?
Snow White's cherry.
What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
What do you do when your kotex catches fire?
Throw it on the floor and tampon it.
Definition of an Italian virgin?
An ugly 3rd grader.
What can Jell-o do that a man can't do?
Come in 16 different flavours.
How do you brainwash a woman?
Step on her douche bag.
What do you call a guy that can put 100 worms on a single hook?
Masterbaiter.
Heard about the new breakfast cereal called snatch?
You eat it right out of the box.
What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Plenty of room.
Heard about the new breakfast flakes called "Queerios"?
Just add milk and they eat each other.
What's white, lies at the bottom of the ocean, and hates blacks?
Klu Klux Klam.
What's black and white and red and can't turn around in a hallway?
A nun with a spear through her.
Heard about the new breakfast cereal called "Prosties"?
It just lies there and bangs.
Hear about the gigolo in the leper colony?
He was doing really well until his business started falling off.
Heard about the new breakfast cereal called "Porn Flakes"?
Add milk and it goes "snatch", "nipple", and "crotch".
Hear about the leper playing poker?
He threw his hand in.
How do you tell if a girl is ticklish?
Give her a couple of test tickles.
What does an elephant use as a vibrator?
An epileptic.
Why do animals lick their privates?
Because they can.
Difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a skinny dame?
The conterfeit dollar bill is a "phoney buck".
Why is a passionate kiss like a spider?
Both lead to the undoing of the fly.
Difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can't hear a vitamin.
What has 4 legs and flies?
Two pairs of pants.
Difference between a circus and a broadway chorus line?
The circus is an array of "cunning stunts".
Three most insulting words in the world?
Is it in?
Bravest man in the world?
The peanut vendor;  he whistles while his nuts are roasting.
Why do women have legs?
So that when they walk, they don't leave trails of slime like a snail.
When does a cub scout become a full pledged boy scout?
When he eats his first brownie.
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.
What crawls on all fours and eats ants?
Uncles.
How do you make anti-freeze?
Take away her night-gown.
Definition of incest?
Roll your own.
Heard about the new French car called "The Pervertible"?
If the top won't go down, the driver will.
Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.
Definition of a virgin wool sweater?
One that's never had a head through it.
What's better than roses on a piano?
Tulips on your organ.
What's brown and lies under a piano?
Bethoven's last movement.
Definition of a good boy scout?
One that knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
Definition of a cotton picker?
A woman who loses the string on her tampax.
Why do little girls carry fish in their pockets?
So they can smell like big girls.
What did the blind man say as he walked through the fish-market?
Good morning ladies.
What do you get if you have a green ball in each hand?
Kermit's undivided attention.
Definition of gross?
Biting into a hotdog and finding a vein.
What do you call a bull masturbating in the middle of a field?
Beef stroganoff.
What do you call five lepers in a hot tub?
Porridge.
Why don't roosters have hands?
Because hens don't have tits.
How many wrinkles does a dog's ass have?
Don't know;  smile and I'll count them.
What do Nancy Reagan and tampax have in common?
They're both stuck up cunts.
Definition of a low blow?
A dwarf performing fellatio.
Hear about the woman that had a "W" tattooed on each cheek?
When she bent over, it spelled "WOW".
Why does Miss Piggy douche with vinegar and honey?
Cause Kermit likes to eat sweet and sour pork.
What kind of bird never gets pregnant?
A swallow.
Difference between a bowling ball and a stewardess?
You can only get three fingers into a bowling ball.
Difference between a bowling ball and a Paki woman?
If you really try hard enough, you can eat a bowling ball.
What was Napolean's middle name?
Toris...  You know, Napolean tor' 'is bone-a-part.
What's the difference between Jell-o and a Jewish princess?
Jell-o moves when you eat it.
What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a Peeping Tom?
The pick-pocket "snatches watches".
What's worse than a dead skunk on your piano?
A diseased beaver on your organ.
What's green and comes in brownies?
Boy scouts.
What are the five worst years in an Italian's life?
Grade 3.
If  God  had intended for us not to masturbate, He would have made our
arms shorter.
There  are  only two things in the world that smell like fish, and one
is fish.
What do you get if you cross an owl with a rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.
Confucious say:  When in doubt, whip it out.
--------------------------------------------
What do ants use to get high?
Antacid.
Long or short, thick or thin,
Vaseline will get it in.
What's green and red and goes sixty miles an hour?
A frog in a blender.
Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate with?
She needs one hand to moan with.
Definition of trust?
Two cannibals doing a 69'er.
Hear  about  the gay whale that bit the tip off a submarine and sucked
out all the seamen?
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A sixty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
Definition of gross?
Two Siamese twins connected at the mouth, and one barfs.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheel chair.
What do you do with a ninety year old hooker?
Give her to Mikey, he'll eat anything.
Hear about the stand-up comedian at the leper colony?
He made the audience laugh their heads off.
Sexual  frustration  need not be a problem, for masturbation is always
at hand.
Did you hear about the Newfie that locked his keys in his car?
It took him an hour and a half to get his wife and kid out.
Who was the first soft-drink maker?
Adam.  He made Eve's cherry pop.
Why are a woman's pants like a donkey's eyes?
It takes an ass to hold them up.
What is the first act of newlyweds when they arrive at the hotel?
They open their drawers and put their things in.
Why does a rooster crow in the morning?
To let the farmer know his cock is out.
What part of a girl should not move while driving?
Her bowels.
Why does a rat never jump in a woman's lap?
Because it is afraid of the pussy up there.
What is the coldest part of a man's body?
His balls.  They are always two below.
What is the most useless thing on Grandmother?
Grandfather.
Who was the first carpenter?
Eve.  She made Adam's banana stand.
What is the difference between sin and shame?
It's a sin to put it in and a shame to take it out.
Why are a woman's legs like manure?
You have to spread them before they can do any good.
What is the hardest thing in the world to do?
Put it in soft.
Why is a woman like a frying pan?
They both have to get hot before you can put meat in.
Why is a woman like a grave yard?
A stiff has to go in both.
What kind of wood doesn't float?
Natalie Wood.
Why doesn't Natalie Wood shower?
She prefers to wash up on shore.
People  who  believe that the dead never return to life should be
around at quitting time.
Why do Mexicans eat beans for Dinner?
So they can take bubble baths later!
What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing, because apples can't talk!